Understanding why we stay stuck in familiar patterns, even when we're clear about the future we want.
Have you ever been absolutely certain about what you want to change in your life, yet found yourself struggling to do anything about it? You've thought about what your future could look like, how you'd like to feel, the opportunities you'd like to have and perhaps even the financial freedom or flexibility you're working towards. You might have spent hours thinking about it, researching your options and creating a plan for how you're going to make it happen.
But despite knowing what you want, you somehow find yourself in exactly the same place. You put things off, question your decisions or convince yourself that you need to do a little more research before you can get started. It's frustrating, especially when you know you're capable of making the changes you want, but can't quite understand why you're finding it so difficult to move forward.
I know that feeling because I've experienced it myself, and it's something Nicola and I explored in the very first episode of our new podcast, The Thought Shift Podcast.
When the Business I'd Built No Longer Felt Right
After having my children, I made the decision to leave employment and start my own virtual assistant business. I'd spent years working in administrative support, and running my own business was something I'd wanted to do for a long time. I loved the idea of continuing to use the skills I'd developed throughout my career while having the flexibility to work around family life and be there for my children.
I poured everything into making it successful, and before long I'd built a thriving business, become fully booked and had the opportunity to work with some incredible clients. From the outside, everything was going exactly as I'd hoped. I'd created the business I'd dreamed of, had the flexibility I wanted and felt incredibly proud of what I'd achieved.
But around three years in, something began to change. The work that had once felt exciting started to feel heavier, and I noticed that my enthusiasm wasn't quite what it used to be. At the beginning of the year, I'd sat down and created a detailed business plan, outlining everything I wanted to achieve over the following 12 months. I knew what I needed to do, and yet I wasn't doing it.
I kept searching for a practical explanation. Perhaps I needed to introduce another service, find a better tool or rethink my business strategy. I even invested in coaching, which was incredibly helpful in many ways, but I still couldn't seem to take the action I'd planned. Looking back, I can recognise that I was trying to solve the problem by changing things externally, without really considering what might have changed within me.
The business I'd created had been absolutely right for me when I started it, but my interests and priorities were beginning to shift. It took me a while to recognise that the person who'd built that business three years earlier wasn't necessarily the same person deciding what she wanted next.
Why We Hold On to What Feels Familiar
One of the things I find fascinating about mindset is understanding how our established thoughts, beliefs and behaviours influence the decisions we make, often without us even realising it.
Our brains are constantly learning from our experiences, and through repetition, certain patterns of thinking and behaving become increasingly automatic. This is incredibly useful in everyday life because it allows us to carry out familiar activities without having to consciously think through every step. However, those same learned patterns can sometimes make it difficult to approach situations differently, particularly when we're trying to make a significant change.
We can become accustomed to seeing ourselves in a particular way, whether that's through our career, our relationships, our responsibilities or the expectations we've developed over time. These things can become so familiar that we rarely stop to question whether they still reflect who we are or what we want.
For example, you might have a clear ambition to grow your business and become more visible, but find yourself avoiding opportunities to put yourself forward because you've always felt more comfortable working behind the scenes. Or perhaps you're dreaming of greater independence and financial freedom, but repeatedly find yourself making decisions based on what feels safe rather than what might help you move towards that goal.
It's easy to assume that if we really wanted something badly enough, we'd simply find a way to make it happen. But our behaviour is influenced by much more than conscious intention, including our existing habits, emotional responses, expectations and beliefs about ourselves.
And when we begin doing something unfamiliar, it's natural to experience uncertainty or discomfort. That feeling can sometimes cause us to question whether we're making the right decision, even when the change is something we've wanted for a long time.
Understanding this doesn't automatically make change easy, but it can help us approach ourselves with a little more curiosity and recognise that discomfort isn't necessarily a reason to stop.
When Your Current Identity Doesn't Match the Future You Want
This is where the work I now do as a mindset coach becomes particularly relevant, because one of the things I'm interested in exploring is the relationship between how we see ourselves and the actions we're prepared to take.
Throughout our lives, we develop beliefs about who we are, what we're good at, what we're capable of achieving and what feels possible for someone like us. Those beliefs are shaped by our experiences, the people around us and the meanings we've attached to things that have happened in our lives. Over time, they can become so familiar that we accept them without really questioning whether they're still accurate or helpful.
But what happens when the future we're working towards requires us to think, behave or see ourselves differently?
You might consciously want to become someone who's confident, financially successful, independent or comfortable being visible, while still holding beliefs and habits that developed when those things felt unfamiliar or out of reach. This can create a tension between the life you're imagining and the way you're currently responding to the opportunities in front of you.
For me, I'd spent years working towards becoming a successful business owner, and I'd invested so much time and energy into making that happen. Being a virtual assistant had become an important part of how I saw myself, and the thought of moving away from something I'd worked so hard to build felt uncomfortable. There was a part of me that associated changing direction with giving up, even though I was becoming increasingly aware that I wanted to explore something different.
It was through conversations with Nicola and my own exploration of mindset coaching that I began to see things differently. I'd previously studied psychology, neuroscience and counselling, and reconnecting with those interests felt incredibly meaningful. The more I learnt, the more I recognised that I was being drawn towards work that reflected my developing interests and the person I was becoming.
I began to understand that changing direction didn't have to diminish anything I'd achieved. My virtual assistant business had given me exactly what I'd needed during an important stage of my life, and I could feel proud of that while also acknowledging that I was ready for something new.
Giving Yourself Permission to Change
Nicola's experience was different from mine, but there were some striking similarities in how we both came to recognise that our existing careers no longer felt right.
She'd spent 30 years working in the travel industry, a career she genuinely loved and one that had given her some wonderful experiences and opportunities. However, as her life evolved and her priorities changed, she began to feel increasingly disconnected from the work she was doing. Eventually, she decided to retrain in nutritional therapy, completing a three-year diploma before taking the significant step of leaving her established career to build her own business.
A couple of years into running her nutrition business, she began to experience a similar feeling again. Although nutrition had been an important part of her journey, she could sense that her interests were moving in another direction. After exploring mindset coaching, she discovered something that she felt genuinely enthusiastic about and decided to follow that interest.
What I find particularly interesting about both our experiences is that neither of us regrets the paths we've taken. We can look back at our previous careers and businesses with pride, recognising how much we've learnt and how those experiences have helped shape who we are today.
But we've also learnt that we don't have to keep pursuing something simply because we've invested years of our lives in it. The goals we set for ourselves at one stage of life don't have to remain our goals forever, and changing our minds doesn't mean that our earlier decisions were mistakes.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to recognise that we've changed, and allow our choices to reflect that.
Three Ways to Begin Moving Beyond Familiar Patterns
So what can you do if you're clear about the future you want, but keep finding yourself returning to the same thoughts and behaviours?
During our podcast conversation, Nicola and I explored three things that have been particularly helpful as we've navigated our own changes. They aren't about making dramatic decisions overnight, but about creating opportunities to recognise what's happening internally and begin responding differently.
1. Trust Yourself Enough to Take the First Step
When we're considering a significant change, it's understandable that we want to know how everything is going to work out before we make a decision. We want reassurance that we're choosing the right path, that we're capable of following it through and that the outcome will be worth the uncertainty involved.
But there will always be things we can't predict, and waiting until we feel completely confident can sometimes mean we never take the first step.
I've found it helpful to recognise that trusting yourself doesn't mean believing you'll never make a mistake. It means having confidence in your ability to make thoughtful decisions, learn from your experiences and adjust your approach when necessary.
If there's something you've been wanting to do but keep putting off, consider what one small step towards it might look like. You don't have to commit to changing everything today, but you can begin exploring what's possible without needing every answer in advance.
2. Create Space to Notice What's Happening Internally
One of the things Nicola and I both feel strongly about is the importance of creating space for ourselves, particularly when life is busy and we're constantly responding to the needs of everyone around us.
It's easy to spend our days moving from one responsibility to another, particularly when we're balancing work, family and everything else that comes with everyday life. But when we're constantly occupied, we may have very little opportunity to notice the thoughts and feelings influencing how we're approaching things.
I've introduced a simple practice of spending seven minutes each morning doing a guided meditation before I begin my working day. It isn't a particularly elaborate routine, but it gives me a few minutes to pause and approach the day with greater intention before I start responding to messages, working through my to-do list or doing things for other people.
For you, it might be journalling, mindfulness or simply finding a quiet moment to sit with your thoughts. What's important is creating an opportunity to notice the patterns that arise when you think about making a change.
Perhaps you notice that you immediately question your capabilities, imagine everything that could go wrong or remind yourself of previous experiences that didn't work out as planned. Rather than automatically accepting those thoughts as facts, you can begin to explore where they might be coming from and whether they're helping you move towards what you want.
3. Practise the Behaviours That Support Who You're Becoming
One of the most encouraging things about understanding the brain is recognising that our established patterns don't have to remain fixed.
Neuroplasticity refers to the brain's ability to adapt and reorganise through learning and experience. Although changing an established habit or response can take time, repeated practice creates opportunities to develop different ways of thinking and behaving.
This is particularly relevant when we think about identity, because changing how we see ourselves often involves developing new experiences that challenge our existing assumptions about what we're capable of doing.
Rather than focusing entirely on the distance between where you are and where you want to be, consider the behaviours that would support the person you're becoming.
If you want to feel more confident about being visible in your business, perhaps that means practising speaking up or sharing your ideas, even when it feels uncomfortable. If you're working towards greater independence, it might involve making decisions without constantly seeking reassurance from others.
The actions themselves don't have to be enormous. What's important is that you're giving yourself opportunities to respond differently and develop confidence through experience, rather than waiting for confidence to appear before you begin.
What Are You Ready to Let Go Of?
Towards the end of our first podcast episode, Nicola and I shared a reflection that I think is particularly relevant when you're considering the changes you want to make in your life.
If I fully trusted myself, what would I let go of right now?
It's a question worth spending some time with, because the answer might reveal something you've been carrying for longer than you realise.
Perhaps it's an expectation you've placed on yourself, a belief about what you're capable of or an identity you've become so accustomed to that you've never really considered whether it still fits.
You don't have to make an immediate decision or take dramatic action based on what comes up. Sometimes simply recognising that a familiar belief or behaviour may no longer be helpful is an important starting point.
One of the biggest lessons I've taken from my own experience is that knowing what you want and being able to move towards it aren't always the same thing. You can have a clear vision for your future, understand exactly what needs to change and still find yourself responding from patterns that belong to an earlier version of yourself.
Becoming aware of those patterns, questioning whether they're still serving you and gradually practising different responses can help you begin making choices that feel more consistent with the future you want.
And perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you're allowed to grow beyond the person you've been, without feeling that you have to dismiss or regret everything that's brought you to where you are today.
Continue the Conversation on The Thought Shift Podcast
In the first episode of The Thought Shift Podcast, Nicola and I share more about our personal experiences of changing direction, why letting go can feel so uncomfortable and the role our established thinking patterns can play when we're trying to make changes in our lives.
We also discuss the science behind neuroplasticity and explore simple practices, including mindfulness, journalling and reflection, that can help us become more aware of our thoughts and responses.
If this article has resonated with you, I'd love you to listen to our conversation and explore the topic with us in more depth.
Listen to Episode 1 of The Thought Shift Podcast
And if you recognise that tension between knowing what you want and finding yourself unable to take action, this is something I explore through my mindset coaching. My work focuses on helping women understand the beliefs, habits and identity patterns influencing their choices, so they can begin making changes that support the future they want to create.